Sunday, March 30, 2008

An Open Letter to Hayden Christensen

Dear Hayden,

Hayden Christensen JumperAs you know, Jumper is a movie about superpowered individuals who can travel vast distances in the blink of an eye, using merely the power of their minds. An ancient sect of religious fanatics has been following these superheroes since the Middle Ages with the intention of wiping them out for good. It should be impossible to ruin this movie. But you did, Hayden. You ruined it.

I won't say that I'm not still emotionally scarred from Star Wars: Episode II, because I am. But I never blamed you personally for that. Sure, I disagreed with your decision to portray Annekin Skywalker's complex metamorphosis from a benevolent idealist into a hate-filled lord of darkness by "acting like a douchebag the whole time," but I was willing to chalk that up to monumentally bad directing. And yes, it did strike me as a trifle awkward that the male lead in the movie was outperformed by a floppy-eared, irritating, uncomfortably racist animation, but I was willing to focus my hurt and anger about what I call "the Jar Jar paradox" towards George Lucas, who seemed to be the real mastermind behind the crime spree that we've come to know as the Star Wars prequels. Now I'm starting to rethink that position.

Because I believe that you are evil, Hayden.

It's the only logical explanation. Your acting isn't soul-shatteringly awful — it only seems that way. The fact is that your acting is too good. You play the part too well, Mr. Christensen, and I'm onto you. No one but a highly trained master thespian with a heart full of the purest evil would be able to pull off a piece of work like your performance in Jumper. The effortlessness with which you have managed to take a screenplay written about a handsome, troubled adolescent who discovers that he is a central figure in a timeless battle between good and evil and turn it into a depressing biopic about an emotionally bankrupt, intolerable frat boy is already a feat worthy of Hollywood's finest character actors. But to have done it twice — such a coup could only have been arranged by a dangerous sociopath.

So my question to you is this, Hayden: Why are you using your powers for evil? Your unrivaled ability to suck all the fun out of an exciting adventure, to turn a love story into a nightmare worthy of Kafka, to drain the life and energy out of anyone who so much as walks into a room with you — these are abilities that could be used for the greater good of our nation. You could be weakening the resolve of terrorists in interrogation rooms, extracting confessions from violent criminals with a glance, ending hostage situations by confronting kidnappers and sapping their will to live ... but instead you elect to use your talents to ruin perfectly good action movies? Why, Hayden? Why?

Sincerely,

Jack Shepherd

P.S. My friend Ashleigh thinks you're cute.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Truer words were never written.
Hayden, why must you misuse your
dark powers?

He should just quit the acting
biz and become a full-time real-life supervillain. I know *I'd*
be more entertained!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Jack Shepard...

Though I have not seen Jumper, I do agree with you regarding Episode II. Hayden's acting was sub-par; but, you must admit that was mosly Lucas's fault for a shotty script and direction. I mean, even Natalie Portman, whom you love (I happen to know) delivered her lines unbelievably poor. And though both actors improve in Epi. III, even then, Ewan McGregor still shows them both up! (And if you ever nay-say Ewan, I can be sure that your words have no meaning).

So, Jack Shepard, in real life, or on LOST, I hope you find yourself one day renting "Life as a House". This is the film that put Hayden on the map, and you will be sure to find out why.

Shanaynay said...

Um, he's hot.

Justincredible said...

Hayden stopped acting 6 years ago........and yet he still makes movies.

Matt Uhley said...

You all are CRAZY! Hayden Christensen is the best actor of this or ANY generation. I wish you all would pull your heads out of your asses and learn to recognize a great actor when you see it!

Matthew U. said...

Just wanted to point out
that I posted the very
first comment anonymously
and then a friend thought
it'd be funny if he posed
as me saying how great
Hayden is.

I only bring this up
because I really hate
him as an actor. That much.

Anonymous said...

I had to resort to quoting Terry Pratchett in my review! http://culturefootle.blogspot.com/2008/02/film-footle-jumper.html

Anonymous said...

whoever wrote this blog is a dumbass who is jealous of hayden's fame and fortune. people who talk badly about others are unhappy with themsevles. if you were a turely a happy person inside and out you wouldn't feel the need to put down others. i feel sorry for insecure morons like yourself.
btw i love hayden! i want his baby :D

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